


Fool for love

by Bdonna



Series: Simply a four letter word? [1]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-01
Updated: 2012-04-01
Packaged: 2017-11-02 21:06:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/373342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bdonna/pseuds/Bdonna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maybe I am making a fool of myself because of this...Spike POV</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fool for love

**Author's Note:**

> This story changes between in storytelling between the story and the thoughts of a person, the change in font marks this change. At the time of writing I hadn’t seen any episodes of Season 5 yet nor had I seen the episode I have taken the title from.

** Fool for love **

** by Belladonna **

 

The night had been dark and softly black. The stars were shining like diamonds in front of the velvety background of the nightly skies and the moon gave the town as the biggest jewel at the skies a silvery shine. One man stood alone on the cemetery, a bit apart from the tombstone and he was looking up to the sky, into the night, like he always did when he wanted to think or simply to be alone.

 

He wore a long coat over the dark shirt and his black pants, he had his hands hidden deeply into the pockets. Above him there was the moon that threw its pale light over the cemetery and also over him, but the man remained silent. The pale silvery light of the moon was nothing he had to fear, only the bright rays of the sun. His bleached blond hair was looking even more whiter in front of the black of the night now that the light of the moon fell over him.

 

Spike inhaled the cold air of the night, took a deep breath into his lungs and enjoyed that slight cold feeling it brought with it. Even though he had been dead for many decades and his lungs had no longer need for oxygen anymore, it was a habit he nonetheless had never been able to dismiss so easily, especially not when he was excited of nervous. But to breathe actually meant nothing to him and brought no use, just as nothing as he would achieve with his nervousness; he wasn’t able to do anything against it though.

 

Spike was well aware of this fact but he was helpless in doing anything against it. Every time he was close to her he felt this nervousness he couldn’t fight, a nervousness he had not felt since he could remember. He couldn’t overcome it either, every time he was close to her or thought of her it made his heart beat rise and his breath faster just like he did again think of her in this night and about what she meant to him.

 

He raised his head and glanced up to the moon, the only constant in his life, a life that was as unpredictable as he could imagine it to be and that had never turned out the way, he would have dreamed of. And even up there, in the beautiful but pale light of the moon, up there in the sky, he believed to be able to see her, in that pale window high above him, the window to a heaven that only lovers were able to see.

 

~/~

 

_I would have never thought or seen it coming this far one day with me; never had I imagined myself standing here at this special point of my life and also never thought to happen twice, now that I no longer am alive. But I have reached it again nonetheless. I still cannot believe it, no matter how hard I try, I cannot._

 

_ I cannot remember ever have felt that much for another woman in my life as I do feel for her. Oh, I have known many women in my life, I have even felt a lot for some of them, but I have never loved any other woman before like I do love her. This love, this very love that I feel now, it comes directly from my heart. Though it does no longer beat for a long time now, it does again when I think of her. _

 

_It may be true, that I have loved Dru, my sweet little Dru and I have done everything for her, I have even given my life and my soul for her because I have loved before. She had been everything for me, my whole world for there has never been anything more than her for me. And still, as I now think back and look at it like I am able to do today, I do realize now that this love never came from my heart, never at all._

 

_ I believed to have loved her just like I had believed she would feel the same for me. But today I know and had to realize painfully that I never have been more than a poodle for her, a lapdog and just a welcomed distraction in her rather boring life; only a useful tool for her purposes. But then I had been too blind to see that, to realize it.  _

 

_Have I truly been that blind or have I known and just did not want it to see?_

 

_ Nonetheless I stayed with her, she did need me after all, didn’t she? And I enjoyed this feeling of being needed and her dependence of me, but is that love? Could this really be the emotion one feels when he loves another? _

 

_ Maybe it is true, and we truly never loved each other at all, maybe we both had started from different expectations that could not be fulfilled. I don’t know and it no longer matters to me. No, it is no longer of importance to me for today I finally know what love is, what real love feels like and how it again changed me. I have found love, for I have found **her**. _

 

_ When I can be with her, I can feel how my blood begins to heat up and starts to flow faster through my body; can I feel how this dead heart in my chest begins again to beat and beat fast. I have never felt like this before, only maybe once but that was a long time ago. _

 

_From the very first moment I have seen her, I had been fascinated by her. I have known that she was something very special but then I had not the slightest idea that she would become someone very special for me._

 

_ I can smell her sweet scent, smell it even if she can not be near me; this sweet flavour of her blood and the scent of her long hair as it falls so loosely over her shoulders. Her eyes are like precious jewels and they are shining and flashing with wild determination, the same she caught me with at our first meeting, the first time our eyes met. I have been caught since then and I also catch myself that I don’t want to get free anymore. She has a fire in her eyes, a burning which burns with such an intensity I am only able to see in hers. _

 

_ My whole life I have always looked for someone like her but never found anybody who would come close to her like she is. I have always searched for someone who could possibly mean as much to me as she does and never would I have imagined to find that someone in her; from all people did I have to find that someone in her, the Slayer. _

 

_ Never before have I been so sure of my feelings like I am now, but can I ever be sure? Can I ever be truly sure of them? Then, how can I be sure that it will not turn out this time like it had turned out all the other times before I had thought to love or to be in love? _

 

_The answer to this is very simple, for I cannot._

 

_But if I am listening to my heart it will tell me that I can be sure, that my emotions have never been more clear than now. When I am near her I feel these strong emotions I cannot fight and I have to admit that I don’t want to fight them._

 

_ She is the Slayer, destined to hunt down someone like me, to destroy and every fibre of my being screams for getting as much space between her and myself as possible. By all means, I should get away from her or try to fight and kill her before she does with me. No, here I am, searching her closeness, always looking to be near her; I can no longer be without her. I should have gone away but I didn’t. I should have stayed away when I finally got away from her but I couldn’t bear being without her so long, to never see her again, her beautiful eyes and her gentle smile.  _

 

_ Always have I watched her secretly when she was with him and every time it gave me a sting in my heart, a painful one even if I would have never admitted it and still won’t, not to her or to anybody. How many times have I wished to be in his place when she was holding him in her arms and their lips met; uncountable times have I wished so much for being him, for being the one she holds in her arms and whose hand she would squeeze gently under the light of the moon outside. But as much as I wished for being him it also became clear to me with that same cruel realisation life always offers that I could never be him and she never would be able to love me like she does with him. I never have wished for anything more than if she would, that she would return my feelings for her and it would make me the happiest man on earth if she did, if she would only say it once to me. _

 

_Yes, I should rather stay away from her, to get away as fast and far as possible from her for she was born to kill me. I cannot, I can’t do it for I cannot act against my feelings, me heart._

_I always have considered him weak for helping someone like her and for that would kill one of us. I always have blamed his soul for having made him weak and the Slayer’s lapdog, that it made him betray us. Now I feel the same for her like he did, maybe even more and I always have done it. He maybe had thought me jealous of him concerning Dru, but the truth is, I always envied him for her._

 

_I’d do anything for her, even gave my life only to protect her. I’d give my own life for somebody else who was chosen to end it. But to protect her I’d die willingly and with pleasure if only I’d know that she would be safe, that she would live._

 

_His soul, his mortal soul have I held responsible for what I thought to be a grave error in his character but I do not have such an excuse. I cannot even blame it on the chip in my head, no matter how hard I would wish for. But then I also would have to admit to myself that I even have felt for her that way before this damn chip changed my life forever, long before. And my life was changed for ever the moment our eyes met in the night down in the alley behind the Bronze._

 

_I do love her from the bottom of my heart, I’d do anything for her and gave I all I have only to make and see her happy. Maybe I am making a fool of myself because of this, just like I had done once before in my life and that had changed me forever, but again I cannot go against my own heart. I know that I love her and I also know that I am surely not the first man who acts without thinking for those he loves and I surely will not be the last one who makes a fool of himself for love._

 

_I had thought to have learned out of my mistakes but turns out, I haven’t._

 

_I love her, I really do and this love comes from deep within my heart. I can only hope that she will be able one day to also love that fool I am, too._

 

_~fin~_


End file.
